Thursday, June 23, 2011

Past few weeks.

I have had a few very emotional weeks in the past month.

I've felt so disappointed in people in my life lately, and in myself. I feel like there is a lot to say, but don't know what to say.

I totally dislike my job.. I'm not sure if I'm into this whole church thing.. and I absolutely loathe myself.

My job. Man, I thought this was a good thing, but I find myself so annoyed at feeling as if I am being very micromanaged. I also feel like its a very negative atmosphere. I don't know if that shadows my mood, but I've felt so let down by people who were supposed to be there for me, which may have exacerbated how I've felt.

My old position came open, and I hope that I can go back. I miss all the friends I had there and just fun I had during the day. Now I am dreading going to work in the mornings. I'm glad that I am supposed to be the only one there tomorrow! It is hard to work with someone who wants things done a certain way, which makes everything harder! I feel like it is very chaotic and disorganized and I am used to a very organized process.

My church. I like the people at my church, I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I thought I was supposed to be devoted to God, and not a church. I begin to feel like I'm at church every day, because there is so much going on and a small church. Totally different than the church that talked and talked and never did anything. This church just goes and goes. I don't understand how people can even balance anything. My house becomes a mess and I have no time to work out. I have GOT to work out and be healthy, because then I won't be of any use to anyone.

What makes it worse is that my husband has totally retreated out. That makes things difficult and every time I'm there I get asked where is he, he must be busy at work. I just feel like not even going anymore. What is it, is it just the devil? or is it just life? Is it just me? What is the point anyway, is it just to "stay out of hell"? Everyone becomes so judgemental in that setting. People get hurt.. its just too much.

And yes, I loathe myself. Why is it SO hard. Is it me? I mean, is there something just wrong with me or am I just a big fat slob? Just don't eat it! Just have a small piece. No, I have to have food on my damn brain all the time. WHAT THE FUCK. Its just FOOD. Its not my damn friend, or my enemy.. its JUST food. Why do I want to just stuff my face anytime I feel sad or mad or whatever? I just don't what to do with this life. So unhappy. Then I remember, I'm 31. Jesus.. I'm not a kid anymore. I just feel like I've wasted so much time in my life. So much time wasted on bullshit and people who don't give a shit.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry your having a bad time right now. Finding some balance between work/home/church/working out can be so difficult and it really sounds as if you need a break. I go through periods like this myself. I do wonder if it's a hormonal thing associated with PCOS or if it's something everyone goes through on occasion. As for the food thing, I think emotional eating happens to a lot of us. We're happy we celebrate with food, We're sad we "self-comfort" with food, we're feeling sick we comfort ourselves with food (chicken soup anyone?), we have family over it generally includes lots of food. It's NOT just you. I hope things get better soon. If you need to talk, just drop me a line on FB!