Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Feeling better.

Well, I found out that in order to go back to my old job, I'd have to take a massive pay cut (what the heck??)

Anyway, things have been SO much better. I decided to let things roll off my back and not worry about it and try to make the best of things.

I also figured that I should start looking into going forward with the weight loss surgery. I've looked into it for at least 6 years, and I think its time. I found out that with the insurance I have with my company that they will cover it 100%. Maybe that is a sign that its time!

My Sister is coming with me to orientation on July 12th. I am excited and feeling so nervous, but I know this is going to really have a good impact on me. I've been reading and reading and it looks like my best option is going to be the Vertical Sleeve Gastroectomy. Instead of the Roux en Y where they redirect your organs. With the VSG, they just make your stomach smaller. There seems to be a lot less problems with this type of surgery, because your stomach can still process minerals and vitamins, its just much, much smaller.

I will have to follow a presurgery diet, and I'm excited to do so. I'll post more when I find out more info next week!

I'm still working out and I've ramped up my motivation. My goal is 6 days a week for at least 60 minutes. So far, I am exceeding that. Thursday and Friday I worked out for 90 minutes, Saturday we went to Pennsylvania, and Sunday I took my son swimming for 2 hours and then did 90 minutes at the gym. Monday, I went at 9:30 (pm) and did 30 minutes on the arc trainer, and 25 on the elliptical with arm weight machines. Feeling good and SO much better than last week.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Past few weeks.

I have had a few very emotional weeks in the past month.

I've felt so disappointed in people in my life lately, and in myself. I feel like there is a lot to say, but don't know what to say.

I totally dislike my job.. I'm not sure if I'm into this whole church thing.. and I absolutely loathe myself.

My job. Man, I thought this was a good thing, but I find myself so annoyed at feeling as if I am being very micromanaged. I also feel like its a very negative atmosphere. I don't know if that shadows my mood, but I've felt so let down by people who were supposed to be there for me, which may have exacerbated how I've felt.

My old position came open, and I hope that I can go back. I miss all the friends I had there and just fun I had during the day. Now I am dreading going to work in the mornings. I'm glad that I am supposed to be the only one there tomorrow! It is hard to work with someone who wants things done a certain way, which makes everything harder! I feel like it is very chaotic and disorganized and I am used to a very organized process.

My church. I like the people at my church, I just feel so overwhelmed with everything. I thought I was supposed to be devoted to God, and not a church. I begin to feel like I'm at church every day, because there is so much going on and a small church. Totally different than the church that talked and talked and never did anything. This church just goes and goes. I don't understand how people can even balance anything. My house becomes a mess and I have no time to work out. I have GOT to work out and be healthy, because then I won't be of any use to anyone.

What makes it worse is that my husband has totally retreated out. That makes things difficult and every time I'm there I get asked where is he, he must be busy at work. I just feel like not even going anymore. What is it, is it just the devil? or is it just life? Is it just me? What is the point anyway, is it just to "stay out of hell"? Everyone becomes so judgemental in that setting. People get hurt.. its just too much.

And yes, I loathe myself. Why is it SO hard. Is it me? I mean, is there something just wrong with me or am I just a big fat slob? Just don't eat it! Just have a small piece. No, I have to have food on my damn brain all the time. WHAT THE FUCK. Its just FOOD. Its not my damn friend, or my enemy.. its JUST food. Why do I want to just stuff my face anytime I feel sad or mad or whatever? I just don't what to do with this life. So unhappy. Then I remember, I'm 31. Jesus.. I'm not a kid anymore. I just feel like I've wasted so much time in my life. So much time wasted on bullshit and people who don't give a shit.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Hard day today..

First thing in the morning, this guy at work made me cry. :( He was so rude to me.. I know I've got a bit of PMS, so I'm already sensitive. He was just nasty to me. I just said OK to him, turned around and I could feel the tears begin to swell in my eyes.. I brushed it off, and said, whatever, but then I could feel the floodgates begin to open. Its been a long time since I cried like that! But then I was so pissed that I allowed someone to make me cry, that it made it worse.

I was in the bathroom, thank God I made it.. I waited till whoever was in there left, and my eyes were so red. Like I was crying for a week straight! Of course someone came into the bathroom and I felt like a douche. Luckily, I like her and she is pretty new like me, and I just told her some people are just rude. She totally understood.. but then my Supervisor walked it. Talk about freaking embarrassing. I hate people to see me cry, but especially people who are my superiors, argh. However, about an hour later she sent me an email and asked me if I was interested in playing bunco with her group, lol.

I've been really depressed.. and haven't been keeping up with my eating. I gained back 15 of the 30 I've lost. :( I just start thinking what the hell, it will never happen! I'm such a loser man..

I decided to start watching my carb intake anyway.. My Dr. says that to be able to even lose weight with the PCOS, I have to do it, because regular carbs make my insulin spike, so I'm insulin resistant. I just see so many people freaking lose the weight and they seem so much happier.

Anyway, I started back to that on Monday, I am down 2 pounds, which thrills me. Since I'm thinking about the WLS surgery again (finally have insurance that covers it!).. I know I will have to do a low carb/high protein diet in the future anyway. Plus with the PCOS, its just what I have to do if I want to get healthy!

We had a great vacation to the outer banks. I love it there. I was a little depressed coming back to real life.

My Dh is not feeling church again.. Ugh. I feel like such a fool for ever being optimistic that things would change.. however, I have also been feeling overwhelmed by everything going on. I honestly do not know how some people eat, breath, sleep church things and work full time jobs/raise their kids etc.

I'm feeling anxious for Monday, my son has his ear tube/adenoid surgery. :(

Anyway, it was just a hard day. I'm glad I'm off tomorrow. I think I will get my toes done!!

No more crying!